Monday, July 15, 2019

Funnies

I once got badly hurt by a boxer in the ring. I am you will agree that is a particularly nasty place to be bitten by a dog.

When I was younger and single I worked as a chef and I had so many cooking tools and implements that I was forced to rent a flat to keep them all in. It was my spatula pad. I know that is a bad one, but with the number of dodgy males that my friends working as Puerto Banus escorts that my friend meet, it made me laugh.

My friends started a Chinese burn club. They invited me to join and I tried very hard to refuse but I finally joined after they twisted my arm.


I have just started a new job as a croupier in a casino. Which is ideal.

My parrot just dies yesterday. He was twelve years old and unfortunately was very obese. I am a bit upset but to be honest it is a weight off my shoulders.

When Lord Nelson died he was just five feet tall. His statue in Trafalgar Square London is fifteen feet tall. That's Horatio of three to one.

Batman came up to me suddenly and without warning he hit me over the head with a vase and exclaimed “T’PAU!”. I said “Don’t you mean Kapow?” But he said, quick as a flash “No, I’ve got China in my hand.”

I went to the doctor yesterday because I have been suffering with something unusual. Every time I stand up or move suddenly I see Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, Pluto, Dumbo and Snow White. The doctor said that I should not worry at all because it is not serious. Apparently I am just suffering from Disney spells.

90’s dance group D:Ream (whose most famous member is Dr Brian Cox the famous stunner and physicist) have employed a new percussionist to play the triangle for them. Which means that...wait for it...Tings can only get better.